What an album, an album that wasn't meant to be. After saying in her Apple TV documentary she wouldn't be making a second album, it's arrived. And wow is it powerful.
It's so fucking hard growing up and people do warn you, but still, it's tough. Feeling more than a little lost is something I experience every day, and so does Billie. Turning 20 was something I didn't want to do but here I am, a few months in. Getting older is an extremely personal song - Billie explores her trauma, something we all have. "Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing", it's simply shitty feeling hopeless and being at a dead end. Even after months of therapy, I don't feel like I've made much progress, and that I'm just broken. But you do have your good days, as the song progresses it discusses healing and getting better, which will hopefully come with time. It's quite a relatable feeling, "Things I once enjoyed, just keep me employed now", they say do a job you enjoy and you'll never work a day in your life but that's just not true. I enjoyed being creative (specifically marketing) but now I've worked in the industry and tried to do a degree in it, I hate it! I think getting better is a deeply personal journey and it is something you have to semi-alone. It literally is all about prioritising your personal pleasure because no one else will. Like Billie says, you don’t often realise what you were feeling/going through until after the fact and you have gained more experience.
I feel every line of this song on a spiritual level. Why should I have to do something to make you feel better when you wouldn't do the same for me. I've had to go to fucking therapy to learn how to look out for myself when others won't. "I didn't change my number, I only changed who I reply to", I know how this feels. I have to admit I kept replying way longer than I should have. And yeah I got the "You mad at me?" text, but unlike Billie, I didn't love it. It's just so shit when two people become bad for each other but still want to be involved. It's all about making yourself unreachable and sticking to that - sticking to it is the part I sometimes find difficult.
This album is all about healing and getting better. "'Cause I, I'm in love with my future", being optimistic about your future can be a struggle at times, let alone being in love with it. You've got to leave people behind and learn to be happy with just yourself, "Know I'm supposed to be unhappy without someone. But aren't I someone?". I believe it's a remarkably hard thing to move on from someone bad for you, I'm still struggling to do it. I suppose these past few months for me have been all about learning to love myself and my future. And this song has unquestionably been helping me narrate this time.
I wish I had this song a few weeks ago. Liking someone you don't want to like is such a hard thing, "I don't want to want you". I'm lucky I've had time to learn to love myself more each day, but that's still a work in progress. Life just gets too much sometimes and the things you promise you just can't do - like Billie sings, "But in my dreams, I seem to be more honest". I wish I was as honest as I am in my dreams in real life, it would have made things simpler. Recently I've had this surge of emotions and I'm all over the place. It super had to explain and this song has helped me to put these feelings into something tangible. Billie intended this song to be a cute love song, but I see it, as about falling in love with the wrong person and being hopeless.
I had a lot of feelings after watching Billie's documentary on Apple TV. Seeing her in all these uncomfortable situations makes my heart go out to her. At times she doesn't want to go into a room full of straight white men with inflated egos but is made to anyway, it has my skin crawling. I'm sure it's an amazing lifestyle and I'd give anything to have the talent she has. But after watching it I just wanted to hug her and be her friend! She's a cool gal with lots to say and I feel the music industry just crushes that out of you. Like why should her whole life now be dictated by people, just because she's good at something they can make money off. In a way, her teen years have been taken away from her for one reason or another. I know what it feels like to have a stalker but I couldn't even comprehend what it's like on the scale she's experienced it.
I always put one of my favourite lines from each song at the start. But on this occasion I'd really have liked to put the whole song, every word just means so much to me. In all honesty, I've had it very rough over the past few months, life is just really shitty. This song has just been therapeutic for me, it's been on repeat nonstops since it came out. "When I'm away from you I'm happier than ever. Wish I could explain it better, I wish it wasn't true" I feel like I might have actually said these exact words, there are people who I just wanted out of my life but they always just seemed to be there and it made me fucking miserable. Whether the people knew they were doing it or not, it still happened, "You clearly werеn't aware that you made me misеrable". I genuinely now hate being home, I spend so much time thinking about moving back away. "I don't relate to you, no 'Cause I'd never treat me this shitty. You made me hate this city". I just don't understand how someone can wreck your life so badly and everyone around you think it's fine. Billie and I might have been going through different experiences but this song is something spiritual for me. "Just fuckin' leave me alone". On a lighter note, FINNEAS thoroughly slaps on the guitar.
I'm going to use this paragraph to promote some female made porn and charities that help women in the porn industry!
So far this is my most listened to album of the past 6 months and it's only been out 4 days at the time of writing. Every song resonates with me in a deep and meaningful way, and really narrates the way I'm feeling at the moment. The title track Happier Than Ever is just so powerful, I have cried several times listening to it. It tells a story of a life swayed by forces out of our control and just shows how shitty people can really be. But there's always hope, and I feel ending the album on Male Fantasy signifies that. We know we're broken and what we could do to help, but life's just not that simple. I hope everyone reading this has a great day, I love you!
